2014.

Hi all!  I remembered I have a blog!  Unfortunately, it really has become something that I no longer have an interest in maintaining, so this will most likely be my last post indefinitely.  But, I’ll try to make it a good one!

Let’s do a 2014 recap of the awesome and not so awesome things that have happened in my life!

Work:

The biggest thing that changed for me this year was leaving my teaching position after 12 years and accepting a new one.  I felt the Lord leading me in a different direction, not only in teaching, but in how many hours I worked.  Once I committed to accept this leading, He provided a new job for me in a matter of 3 weeks.  It was fast, overwhelming, terrifying, and exciting all at once.  Naturally, I over-analyzed the decision to death and spent a couple of months prior to the big change (the job was offered to me in June, to start in August) in abject fear and anxiety.  But, His still small voice led me forward, and I can look back and see that it was for the very best.  I am so happy to be where He has brought me.

Art:

A major catalyst in my consideration for a new job was to step back and focus on my art.  The hours I have been provided have allowed me to devote more time to painting, submissions, and building my portfolio.  I had a piece on display at the SD Fair during the summer, I made my first international art sale, I experienced my first ‘rejection’ of submitted work for a national show, and I was contacted by an art scout seeking new talent.  As of now, I have put the submission for the scout on hold, as I do not feel that the Lord has given me a green light to proceed.  It is an honor, and it would be a huge step forward, but I feel very strongly in keeping the commitment I made to Him, which was that if He saw fit to move me ahead in the art world, I would strive to seek wisdom and discernment before taking any steps, and that my art and art relations would glorify Him above all else.  In doing so, I have ruled out galleries, shows, and organizations that promise immediate exposure, but I move on in trusting His ultimate plan and goal in this area of my life.

Weight Loss:

I am still trudging along, slowly but surely.  At the end of 2013, I injured my foot while running, and subsequently the doctor ordered me not to run for a minimum of 4 months while my foot recovered.  At the beginning of 2014, I started hitting the pavement again, very cautiously.  It took a number of months to get back to where I had been, but I have since exceeded those small milestones.  I will never consider myself an avid runner, and certainly not a long distance runner, but it is my primary source of exercise and stress relief.  Recently, I began trail running, which I absolutely love.  Additionally, I go to the gym regularly and hike one to two times a week.  The progress has been steady, which is all I really want.

Church:

After a sabbatical from attending church that lasted for several months, and nursing a deeply wounded heart, I have returned to a church that I love.  I have made some new friends, reconnected with old ones, and am finally experiencing healing.  It isn't something I've shared here, but my close friends and family know that over a year ago, I had my heart broken in a profound way.  The direction of my life seemed to come to a screeching halt, and I walked away from it questioning my faith, my decisions, and even my worth.  My parents, my close friends, and my mentors came alongside me in ways that still make my heart ache with gratitude and love.  And God used them to nurse me back to health.  This past year especially, though it actually happened in 2013, was pivotal, for it was in 2014 that God moved me out of a place of pain and bitterness and showed me that the spring would come again.  It has been through this season of healing and restoration that I have been able to reflect on how He has carried me, and has been my strength, in my brokenness.  However, I've recently been made aware of some baggage that I carry from that hurt…namely the walls I have built around myself.  I tend to sass and joke around, but I had my ‘ah ha’ moment a few weeks ago as to why that is:  if I am keeping you laughing, or guessing, then I won’t have to be vulnerable.  I use dry humor to deflect from transparency, and it is obviously something the Lord wants me to work on, otherwise I am sure He wouldn't have brought it to my attention.  Right?  Vulnerability is painfully difficult for me.  I was vulnerable once, I let my guard down…and I was hurt.  And yet, in spite of my trepidation and stubbornness, it seems to be the area that God is moving me to grow in.  I apologize, I have gone off on a ‘self-awareness’ rant…all of that to say, I am loving this new season, my church, my church family, and how He has been moving in my life.

Anyway, that pretty much sums up 2014.  It was quiet, in many ways, but good overall.  I am looking forward to what 2015 will bring, the lessons I will certainly learn, the people I will meet, and the seasons of life I will walk through.    

I hope your year was filled with great things, and wonderful experiences.  Enjoy the last few days of the 2014!  

Update.

I've got to try to blog more.  I probably won't...but I can at least try.

Okay, first things first...if you live in San Diego and plan on visiting the San Diego (aka Del Mar) Fair, go check out the Fine Art Exhibit, because...I have a piece on display!  Yes, my little Bumble Bee Girl was selected out of hundreds and hundreds of entries to hang out with some seriously fantastic art by some immensely talented artists from San Diego.  I am humbled, and honored to be among so much talent.  She'll be there until July 6th, so go take a peek if you can!

My Dad accompanied me to the Fine Art Reception, and we had a wonderful time.

I believe the Lord is calling me to focus more on my art, which is a talent He has given me.  I'm excited to embrace a new season in my life, one which will allow for more time to spend with my art and hopefully make the transition into private sales and galleries...there are a number of galleries I am looking into for portfolio submissions, most of which are in LA and San Francisco, so I'll keep my readers posted as I move along.

Want to see an acrylic work in progress?

I finished her recently (acrylic on canvas, 16x20") and am working on her companion piece.  Just in case you were wondering how some of my art begins.

I have more stuff to share, but I think I've rambled enough for one post, so I'll check in later!

The Journey Continues...

Hi folks!  It occurred to me that I haven't posted any updates about the big ol' weight loss journey, mostly because I haven't had many thoughts about it...at least, not very encouraging thoughts to share...

In August, I went on a hike and a beach run, and for a few days afterward I could barely walk due to an intense pain in my left foot.  I went to the doctor and found out I had tendinitis, and the start of a heel spur.  I was given a boot for walking so my foot could be stabilized while it healed, and I was told to stop running for a couple of months.

I enjoy running, and I really love setting goals for myself, such as time and distance.  So, on that day I went for my beach run, I knew I had come a long way in my running goals, and when I got hurt, it derailed me physically and mentally.  I was incredibly disappointed, and being on my foot all day at work with the constant pain was like a continual reminder that I had reached a hurdle in my journey.  I was in a slump, but once the two month mark was over, I got myself back to the gym and focused on other 'foot friendly' activities, like weights and bike riding.

I started 'running' again in January, and had to start from the beginning.  Slow speed, short distances, and just trying to feel happy for whatever I accomplished.  I set new goals, and just took my time.

Now, I take a kickboxing class, I try to factor in weight training regularly, and I am finally back to running longer distances (well, only up to 3.25 miles, but still).  My weight never actually moved during my time off, which I am thankful for, but now I am determined to see the scale continue to drop, and even more than that, I can visibly see changes in my body.

Sometimes, I feel like there aren't any changes...until I unearth old photographs and compare them to the here and now...tonight I found this picture, taken in San Francisco, in 2008.  The picture on the right was taken in November 2013.  It's still horrifying to see the 'before' pictures, but they help me really open my eyes and see...they are the reminders that I need sometimes, not only to press on, but to reflect and see where I've come from.  And to be excited about where I am going...

Friends. (Pt. 2)

Hello!  I have a sequel to my friends post, one which I intended on writing way back in the summer...which makes it more of a prequel...

Anyways, these ladies here in the picture have been in my life since childhood.  The friendships mentioned in the original post have been forged in adulthood, but there is something unique about maintaining friendships that have managed to withstand the painful adolescent years, early adulthood flux, and have settled into mature, permanent relationships.

In fact, many of the friends I had as a child I don't really keep in contact with, just because life shifts, and time moves on, and so the story goes.  I cherish them nonetheless.  

These girls and I reconnected (officially) this past summer, and it was like being a carefree youthful girl again, reminiscing with my friends about the old days, talking about the future.  It was like not a day had passed by, though it had been years since we all had an opportunity to finally find time to spend together in person, not just via Facebook.  

These girls, whom I adore.  I've known one since elementary school, the other since high school.  Oh, the days spent building backyard forts, tea parties, slumber parties, singing in the chorus of high school plays, dances, graduations...these girls were there.  

And I am so thankful they were, and still continue to be. They are wonderful, Godly women.  Kind, beautiful, funny, generous...

I thank God for them, for our pasts that He has woven together into the present, and I am sure will continue into the future.  Have a beautiful, blessed day, friends!  Love you ladies!

Friends.

Yesterday, I celebrated my birthday with a few of my closest, dearest friends ( a couple of them weren't able to make it, but they were there in spirit).  I always feel reflective around my birthday...I find myself lost in thought, thinking back over each year...how things change, or don't change, or how I have changed.

I like my thirties.  I like being in this age, becoming more sure of who I am, what I want for my future.  But, this post is not about self-reflection, it's about friend reflection...

I want to tell you why I adore these ladies, why they are my sisters...

 They make me laugh.  A LOT.  Seriously, they are ridiculously hilarious.

They are all Godly, mature women, who each brings to the table unique talents and gifts.  They are strong where I am weak, they are supportive, they are encouraging, and they are each in a specific walk of life in which they can share wisdom and advice.

We all have common interests...yes, you might be thinking this is an obvious building block of friendship, but I find myself surprised at times that we really do have such common likes and dislikes.  We all tend to spend time together as a larger group because of this, rather than breaking up into smaller groups to do whatever we each like to do.

We've celebrated joys and heartaches together, over the course of a number of years.

So, to my friends, thank you for adding love and laughter to my life.  I feel blessed, and I look forward to many more years of crazy road trips, movie nights, parties, long talks, weddings, babies, and looking for 'rock goats'....

Photography Announcement.

Hello all!  First off, can you believe the holidays are here already??  Where did the time go?  I don't know about you, but I feel like the past few months have been a complete blur, and I am looking forward to some time off over Christmas to catch my breath, enjoy time with my family and friends, and bask in the ending of another year.

I wanted to let my dear, faithful clients know that I am not doing Holiday sessions at this time...

As of now, I will be taking a sabbatical from photography, indefinitely.  I've wrestled with this decision, but found it a necessary one to make.  I do enjoy photography, and am so blessed and grateful for my lovely clients.  However, I am finding it difficult to find a balance with photography, painting and my full time teaching job.  I just do not feel like there are enough hours in the day to book sessions, edit photos, and deliver them in a timely manner, especially during the Holiday crunch, when I am at work full time. 

From the bottom of my heart, I thank each one of you who has believed in me and encouraged me to pursue photography, and I thank you for your understanding regarding it being put on hold for now.  

I will post as soon as I am able for upcoming photography news.  In the meantime, I appreciate you, and want to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving and a very Merry Christmas!  

Enough.

In February, 2012, I wrote this post.  

In February, 2012, my life path was forever altered by people...by events...by joy...by sorrow.  

I've wanted to write about the various experiences...the trials and the great times...but I could never find the words.  I still can't quite find the words.

But it weighs on my mind, on my heart.  

God used a year (Feb '12-Feb '13, roughly) to change my life in a way that I have never truly expressed to people...in the course of a year, I reopened my heart to Him, to pour into me and expose in me the dark places that needed some housekeeping.  In the midst of the whirlwind of emotion, of experiences, of happiness and despair, I finally understood what He wanted me know:

That He is enough.  

He is my portion.

Daily, I struggle with fears of rejection, of feeling like I just don't fit in.  I worry that I am not perfect enough...that I don't give enough, that I don't try hard enough, that I'll never ever be good enough...daily, I have to surrender these issues to Him.  

And daily, He shows me He is enough.  I don't have to be enough, because He is.  

And in a year, and every day since, He has proven His faithfulness, His goodness, His unfailing love.

He has proven that He is surely enough.

Before February, 2012:

I never knew I'd meet and care so deeply for man so very different from myself.  But God did, and He gave me enough grace to do so.

I never knew I'd counsel another young woman, broken and whole, a friend and an enemy.  But God did, and He extended to me enough mercy to do so.

I never knew I'd have to say goodbye to the people who had become so integrated into my life.  But God did, and He gave me enough courage to walk away.

I never knew I'd experience such agonizing heartache.  But God did, and He gave me enough strength to survive.

I never knew I'd leave the place of worship that had become my home and start over somewhere else. But God did, and He gave me enough time to heal and make the transition.

After February, 2013, and on to this day:

I see God's plan more clearly for my life...I may not understand it, but today is enough.  Tomorrow will be enough.  

I will never be enough for other people, and they will never be enough for me.  It is the Lord alone who is enough.

I will most likely continue with my daily struggles, unless the Lord takes them away altogether.  But in the meantime, His grace is sufficient enough.

When trials come at my own hand, and my sinful nature takes hold, I find comfort in knowing that His forgiveness is enough, and that He will guide me to the place of reconciliation.  

Today, I want to live like my God is enough for me.

Tomorrow, I want to live like my God is enough for me.

I will daily have to surrender to Him, and seek His face, and His help, and it won't be easy...but He will be enough for me.

Art.

While I've had some time off from work, I've been trying to update my painting portfolio, and really make an effort to create new pieces...

The inspiration for this piece came from 'The Passion of the Christ'...

I had to take the photograph at a very slight angle, it looks better in person!

"Firstborn"

20"x30"

Acrylic on canvas

Afraid.

Weight loss is scary...

I've touched on this in a previous post, but sometimes I don't know who I will be when I reach my goal.

I'm afraid of failing.

I'm afraid of succeeding.

I'm afraid of changing.

I'm afraid of staying the same.

I just haven't felt like myself in awhile...I feel like I'm in some 'in-between' stage, stuck in the middle of the past and the future.  People say to 'live in the now' or 'carpe diem'...but what if the now sort of stinks?  

It's easier to look back and say:  that's how far I've come.

It's easier to look ahead and say:  that's where I want to be.

But the now?  It's complicated...it's riddled with success and failure, excitement and fear, discouragement and hope, anxiety and calm.

In the midst of changing myself, I'm afraid of losing myself...and losing those I love so dearly.  

I've found this process is a catch-22:  putting myself out there, adventurous, trying new things...and shrinking back...alienating myself from my friends and spending time alone, trying to understand my issues.

So, for those wonderful friends of mine who have taken the time to read this, I thank you for your support.  Thank you for dealing with me and my fluctuating emotions...

Thank you for your patience.

And, if you haven't quite figured out who I am right now, 

don't worry...

I haven't either.

Progress Photo.

I scrounged around for some more before photos, and had a friend snap a progress shot today...

I tried to match the 'pose'.  I wish I had a before photo with form fitting clothes on so it's easier to see the change, but I remember that dress fit just perfectly, it was even snug around the sides.

Like I said, I've only just begun, but here is an updated photo, in my workout gear!

The Me I Wish To Be.

Sometimes, I look at myself in the mirror, and I can see the progress...the continuing transformation.  I see my features shifting, I see the hint of muscle definition, I see the pounds gone...

People have been telling me how much they see it too.

But, on other days, I don't.  Sometimes I look at myself and only see the round cheeks and the double chin.  I see the plump arms and the flabby stomach.  When I go shopping on these days, I immediately head for the largest sizes, because surely those are the only ones that will fit, and then they don't, and I get frustrated...because in the mirror stands the girl who once wore those clothes is too small for them...but I don't see it with my eyes.  

Sometimes, I go to the gym.  I feel like one of the crowd.  Nobody notices me running on the treadmill, or down the road.  Today, for instance, I completed 2 miles nonstop outdoors (a minor milestone).  A young man passed by me on my left as I was running along at my slow and steady speed.  He smiled at me and said hello, then jogged on.  For a moment, we were one and the same, he and I.  Two runners, one goal.

Then there are days when I feel like I'm being judged...that people see me and wonder what I am doing there, running along, that overweight girl...

I know they don't really judge me...rather, I judge myself.  Sometimes the journey seems so long and the milestones so few and far between.  

I wonder if I'll ever truly see the me I wish to be...will my perception ever catch up with reality?  Will I ever look at my reflection,, in my over sized clothes and really see a smaller, healthier me?  Or will I always see the me I used to be?  

This weight loss journey has made me ponder...made me see clearly...and made me try to understand more about myself than I ever thought possible.

I know I will see the me I wish to be...she's there.

We've come so far, the old me and the new...and yet, we've only just begun.

Journey.

Okay, folks...be gentle with me...this is probably the most embarrassing blog post to date...even though I'm incredibly proud of my progress in my weight loss journey.  I've had a couple of friends ask me how much I've lost thus far, and how much more I have to go, and how have I changed in the process?

Well, first off, I have lost roughly 80 pounds...I say roughly because I cannot seem to locate my original weigh in record when I started Weight Watchers what seems like forever ago.  I'm thinking the number is closer to 90, but I'll say 80 to be on the safe side.  

Yes, the progress has been thanks to Weight Watchers.  It has worked for me, but only when I allowed it to.  I'm starting to fall into a great rhythm with it, though I have not been faithful, and have quit and restart a number of times.  

I'll gladly give specific 'numbers' (weight, sizes, etc.), but not until I am at 'goal'.  I've lost 80+ pounds and 6 dress sizes in a matter of years, but still have quite a bit to go.

In addition to the food tracking portion of Weight Watchers, I am also going to the gym regularly:  weight training, running, and a variety of cardio are my go-to's.  

I love seeing my body change...and then I don't...

I know that sounds crazy, but I've struggled with my weight since I was 8 or 9.  I've yo-yo'd dieted throughout middle school, and high school, and my entire adult life.  

But now, I'm starting to face the psychological aspect of my weight, hand in hand with dealing with anxiety, and how that has affected my life, and my daily choices.  

So, while I love seeing the change, and the scale reflecting new numbers, it's hard...and scary.  As strange as it sounds, I wonder who I'll be when I'm no longer labeled 'the fat girl.'  Even the compliments aren't as easy to take as I anticipated:  the heartfelt, well meaning gestures of kindness, people asking me if I've lost weight, and how much, and keep it up.  It makes me feel encouraged, and strangely exposed in a way I've never been.  But, I'm learning to embrace this journey, and to like my body along the way...flab and all.  

Anyway, thanks for the encouragement and support, my friends and readers.  

Sometimes you don't realize just how far you've come until you look back and see where you started...

2005

2009

2013

Boo to the Flu.

On the eve of my birthday, I was hit hard with the flu.  My dinner party cancelled, I took some nighttime cold/flu medicine, and drifted in and out of a feverish stupor for the next 3 days.  I had a lot of time to think, hence the list featured here...

The Top 5 Things I Hate About The Flu

5.  Kidney Punches

Maybe this isn't something you've experienced, but it was something that I dreaded during this flu, and illnesses past.  I kept myself pretty medicated to keep my fever down, but in that short lapse between dose 1 wearing off and dose 2 kicking in, I could feel the fever come raging back through my body in the form of (what I call) kidney punches.  

No, no...not just a backache induced by a fever.  But, an intense, sharp, throbbing pain that would get me right at the kidneys.  All I could do was curl up in the fetal position and gasp through the pain until it subsided.  I kid you not, it was as if the Keebler Elves had abandoned their cookie tree and found me with fists of fury and sharp knives.  I shudder at the mere memory of it.

4.  Skin Irritation

When the kidney punches would subside, I would go stand in a hot shower.  It just helped me feel better.  However, (TMI, possibly, for some people...) I found that the loofah and moisturizing body wash I use every day, without any problems, made me feel like I was rubbing sand paper on my skin.  It was the strangest thing.  And, it only felt like that during the height of my fever spikes.  Am I the only one...?  Regardless, it was rather annoying, not to mention uncomfortable.  

3.  TV

This is a strange one, but I rarely just 'channel surf.'  I have a handful of shows I record on my DVR, and I watch them on certain days at certain times...a typical day for me goes like this:  wake up, prepare for work, morning devotions/prayer time during breakfast.  Work until 3:45, gym (I've been a slacker), go home, prep for next days work, shower, take care of dinner, evening devotion/prayer time, watch a show or 2 on my DVR, bed.  It's not that I'm 'holier than thou' by any means.  It's taken me a long time to become disciplined enough to maintain regular devotion/prayer time, and I really enjoy it.  

But, I was so sick, I could barely sit up, so I spent a lot of time laying on my couch, mindlessly watching television, or sleeping.  And, I found it becoming...boring...Sure, I could have skipped it, but in those moments when I couldn't sleep, I did like to have the TV on for noise, or simply a distraction.

TV:  a love/hate relationship.    

2.  Fever Crying

True confessions, and a blessing on the man who I someday marry...I have horrible crying jags when I get sick...for no.reason.at.all.  It's like my body gets so maxed out from fighting off the infection, it just takes a nosedive off the emotional cliff.  It's awful.  And, to make matters worse, I was already congested, so crying was NOT helpful.  

There were a couple of times I woke up in the middle of the night and burst into tears.  No reason.  I was already delirious, drugged up, and feverish.  Might as well cry, too.

1.  Forgetfulness

I would say I have a pretty sharp memory.  But, when I am sick, it all goes out the window.  And, I think it makes it worse when you live alone and have to fend for yourself.  Typically, that's quite fine with me.  But, this time, I think my brain was taking a holiday, because I kept forgetting ridiculous things.  For example:  I needed to make soup.  The instructions said boil water.  No biggie.  I would set the water on the stove, crank up the temp, and then FORGET I had done it.  It wouldn't be until I heard a strange hissing sound and saw billows of steam rising from the stove that I would remember I had even turned the stove on.  Or, that I was going to make soup.  That happened more than I'd like to admit.  I hate the feeling of forgetting something...especially something important, like turning on the stove or oven, and not remembering I did it...drives me nuts.

There you have it, folks.  My own little list of things I hate about the flu, besides the flu itself.  

Stay healthy, everyone!!  

Just say boo to the flu!

Epiphany.

Hello, readers!  I apologize for my long absence, but I cannot guarantee it won't happen again...I still go in circles about whether to keep this blog, or close it.  Truth be told, I mainly keep it for my list of blogs I love to read.  I just don't seem to have the time to write here, and often wonder whether the posts I do write belong here...it's a continual catch 22...I want to share, but I don't.

For example...this post, brutally honest, and even sharing it reminds me of how much I detest being vulnerable...yet, I know I am not the only one.

The past few months have been good.  I have spent a great deal of time with friends, attending Bible study, working, going to church...

But, around the holidays, I found myself struggling through a rough patch, spiritually.  It felt akin to wandering in a barren desert land.  I read my Bible often, prayed, wrote in my journal (FYI, my journals are not the 'dear diary' sort of journals...they consist of prayer requests, answers to prayer, things I believe God is speaking to me about, Bible verses, etc.), went to church, fellow-shipped, worshiped ..  I did everything I knew how to do.  But, it just didn't seem to be enough.

I felt...

lost.  

Recently, a friend shared a wonderful devotion that she herself had written.  One thing that really impacted me was the phrase being at the end of yourself.

I was at the end of myself...I found myself wrestling once again with God over control in so many areas of my life.  I was overwhelmed and exhausted.  I was looking to myself for spiritual rejuvenation...I was doing the right things to get there, except the ONE thing that I needed:  asking God to meet me in my desert.

I had been going to the beach frequently, because in my barren wasteland, I discovered that I felt His presence more at the edge of the sea then anywhere else (besides church).  It was our meeting place, in many ways.  I would go and walk and walk and walk...and walk some more...and I would talk to Him.  And, He would talk to me.  Those moments were sweet, and they seemed so far and few between in my day to day life.

So, not too long ago, I went to the beach on a whim...I wasn't prepared with the basic necessities: I went wearing a dress, a sweater, and some nice dress shoes.  Naturally, I wasn't going to damage my shoes, and I am typically fine walking barefoot.  Unfortunately, the beach I go to often has an influx of small pebbles covering the shore.  I got there, and noticed that the pebbles were washed up over the sand, and the stretch of beach near the water was clear.  So, I hopped, tiptoed, and leaped from sand patch to sand patch, until I reached the point of having to carefully trudge across the carpet of pebbles to get to the waters edge.  It was rather uncomfortable, but I made it, and walked in the icy water.  I must have looked out of place in my dress, sparkly sweater, and bare feet, hopping around pebbles.  I wandered aimlessly for awhile, growing colder each moment, begging God to meet me.  I started feeling frustrated, and self-righteous.  I had, after all, used precious gas money, and my feet were being bruised for this closeness to Him...those were (shamefully) the thoughts that went through my mind.  And, I didn't feel His presence.  I knew He was with me, but He seemed distant.  Finally, my feet were starting to burn with the onslaught of numbness that came from being in the water.  I was shivering, and decided to call it quits.  I pulled out my phone to send a friend a text message before getting in my car, and that's when I noticed my fingers were so numb, I could barely bend my thumbs to tap at my phone keypad.  They ached at the mere attempt of bending them, and I tried weakly to open and close my hands.  I got in the car, cranked up the heater, and drove home.

It wasn't until I was home, showered in scalding water, wrapped in a blanket that I had an
epiphany:
that was the end of myself.  Painfully shivering, desperate, alone...demanding God to be there, instead of asking Him to be there.

I stopped looking at the end of me, and I found Him.  Waiting patiently and ever so lovingly holding out His arms to me.  He reminded me that I don't need to hold on to my own brokenness, I need to give it to Him.  I don't need to have a far off place to be to feel His presence, I need to seek Him in every place and area of my life.  

I'm not completely out of the desert, but I don't feel quite as dry and lost anymore.  All He wants from me is me...my trust, my belief, my love, my thankfulness, my dreams, my future.  His love never fails.  And, He never leaves me alone.

But, the most profound part of the epiphany was the realization that God was not making me struggle in a barren land.  He was allowing me to, because He knew it would turn me right back to Him.  

And, the next time I find myself feeling lost, demanding His presence, I want to remember to invite Him into my struggle, and let Him work in my heart.

Where would I rather be, after all?

At the end of myself, or safe in His arms?

I See London, I See France...

Because things like this (and this) don't happen to me enough...

Today, after a great service, I said goodbye to some friends, and stopped into the restroom on my way out of church.

I left the restroom, and bumped into a woman who was standing near the drinking fountain.  We chuckled, apologized, and she stepped aside so I could pass by her.  

Suddenly, I felt someone grab my arm and yank me backwards, back into the corridor near the drinking fountain.  Confused, I looked and saw that it was the woman I had just passed, and she was saying:  "Miss, miss, come here."  I knew immediately, by the look on her face, what the problem was.

My skirt was tucked into my underwear.  

(TMI, but I at least had on a super cute pair of polka dot undies, but that's beside the point).  

I thanked her profusely, and she 'cleared' me for a safe departure from the corridor.  

I am so glad I didn't continue on into the foyer of the church in such a fashion.  

So, regarding church, I have already fallen, and nearly showed off my undies to an unsuspecting crowd.  

Seriously.  What next?

Well, I do suppose it could have been worse.  

Thank God for the nice lady who noticed!  

Happy Sunday, folks!

Just Listen.

Hello, readers!  Yes, it's been a long time since I've posted anything...deep?  I guess we can go with that word...

I've been mulling over some stuff lately...a continuation of this post...and this post...or, rather, a follow-up.  

First, I must be honest...I am walking a fine line between keeping this blog open, or finally bidding farewell...I am just not certain that it is something I can invest my time, or myself into...I don't have an answer, but want to give my faithful readers (you!) a heads up...

Anyway...

It has been 6 months since I wrote those posts, and let me tell you something:  it has been the best 6 months.  As I began to allow God back into my heart, and let Him be at the center of it, I discovered that He was always there.  Isn't that a humbling thought?  The God of the entire universe NEVER left me in that place of desolation that I created.  I turned my back on Him, but He never turned His back on me...quite the contrary...He was there, speaking to me, wooing me, moving me...I just couldn't (or, wouldn't) listen to Him.

In 6 months, God has been speaking to me loudly.  The difference is that I am willing to take the time to listen to Him.  Every day, I come before Him, expecting to hear His voice.  Please know, I do not say this as a form of boasting.  Rather, I say it because it is proof that God can move in the most dire of circumstances, situations, and heart conditions.  A year ago, God could have literally appeared to me, sat across from me, poured us some coffee, and said:  'Angela, we have some things to deal with.'  I would have walked away.  It wouldn't have mattered what He had to say.  Because I didn't care to listen.

Now, I crave the communication with Him...I feel utterly lost without it.  Do you know how much He loves it when we come to Him, and seek Him, and talk to Him?  Do you know that it doesn't matter what we say or how we feel when we are talking to Him?  He just wants us?  

And, the amazing part is...He wants to speak to us, too.  He has things to say.  To you.  To me.    

So, I want to challenge you to something...perhaps, it is something completely out of your comfort zone.  Commit to a week of seeking Him, in open communication...expect to hear Him.  Bring to Him whatever is on your heart and mind.  If you can't find the words, it's okay.  He knows.  Just be willing to sit in silence, in His presence, and let Him talk to you.  Open your Bible, grab a journal.  

Just listen.  

Maybe you want to take this challenge, but maybe you are in the midst of trials that are burdening you, and you don't know how to go before Him.  It's okay...I've been there, and the greatest lesson I've learned is that God wants me, no matter what I'm going through, or feeling.  He'd rather have me angry, sad, discouraged, or broken than not at all.  

And, if it makes you feel any better, I have gone to Him many, MANY times, like a child throwing a full-fledged tantrum.  I'll 'hash it out', and will then sit in expectation to hear what He has to say...and you know something?  In those awful, foot-stamping, sobbing moments, He simply tells me that He is God, and I am me, and I am not God.  In the midst of my fit, I will find peace, and He helps me know that He has everything under control.  And, I find comfort in knowing that, being the good Father that He is, I am not going to take away His love, or His communication, because of my emotions.  

Will you take this challenge?  Go to Him, as you are.  Open your heart, and your ears to what He is telling you.  That trial you are in?  Maybe He has been waiting to give you an answer all along...

Will you listen?

A Letter for Kelly.

Dear Kelly,

Sweet friend, you are the first among our little gang to tie the knot (yeah, yeah, Andrea, you were technically first, followed by Kelly D., but we didn't all know each other then...).  

I am so happy for you, and cannot wait to see the amazing things God is going to do for you in this new phase of life.

I am incredibly thankful and blessed that God crossed our paths so many years ago, and our friendship was formed.  I am honored to be a guest at your wedding, a witness to such a beautiful union as marriage, and I know I will surely cry tears of happiness for you.

There are so many great memories I could mention here, but I'd rather leave them between us, and simply say this:  

we have had the best of times, and there are many more to come in the future.  Our friendship will remain, and continue to grow, though our lives may take us down different paths at different times.  

It's simply the sifting of the sands of time.

I am so excited for you, and am praying for you and the Mr.  

May God bless you and keep you and guide you on the road ahead.

I love you lots, 'friendly'.  Congratulations!

xo,

Angela

A Day at the Beach...OR, Why I Laugh at Me.

Last Saturday, I finally made it to the beach, for some solitude and time with God.

I had been feeling tired, stressed, and busy, and thought the best down time I could ask for was at the edge of the beautiful sea, with my journal, and my Bible.

When I got there, I began the long trek down to the shore from my parking spot.  I had a shoulder bag, carrying my phone, Bible, journals, and a large towel.

Upon reaching the beach, I realized that it was carpeted with pebbles.  No sand anywhere in sight.  I wandered along, trying not to trip over the piles of pebbles (we all know I have that capability), and kept walking, looking for a decent place to create my own Bible study world.

The only area I found where there was sand was beneath the cliffs (and near the warning sign for the cliffs:  warning, unstable cliffs, falling rocks, etc.).  I decided that if God was going to end my life on that day, at the beach, then He would ensure that the rocks falling from the cliffs would be swift and accurate.  I took the risk to sit there.

I spread my towel out, kicked off my shoes, smiled at a fisherman who was standing nearby, and sat down.  I pulled my phone out to check my messages, and laid it on the towel beside me.  I took a deep breath, and watched the waves rolling in and out...

And in...

Um...that wave is still coming....

Yep.  A wave broke at the shore, speeding directly at me.  I kid you not, it did not go anywhere else.  I jumped up, and thought:  PHONE!!  Right as the water hit my beach towel, I scooped up my phone and ran.

I stood beneath the cliff and surveyed the ruins:  a sopping wet, heavy beach towel, wet shoes, and a wet shoulder bag (thankfully, waterproof, so nothing was destroyed). 

I glanced awkwardly at the nearby fisherman, who was laughing at me.

And, I shrugged my shoulders at the passing beach goers who pointed out to me that I got caught by a wave.

Duh.  I'm fully aware of that.

I stood for a moment, surveying the beach, looking for a safer place to go.  As I looked, I realized that I was standing near the carcass of a very large bird.  Disgusted, I scooped up my things and trudged along until I found a rock to sit on.

Then, the hot sun burst through the fog, and I found myself beginning to bake. 

I opened my Bible, and tried to focus, but found myself distracted and bored.  I text messaged a couple of people, and decided my beach day with the Lord was over.

I told this story to a friend, and she laughed, telling me I should try to avoid situations to the best of my ability...at least those situations where people may laugh at me.

But, I laugh at me.

Apparently, I am that girl...that girl who will trip and fall in public, run out in the middle of a busy street and hesitate halfway across, find the one spot on the beach where the wave is going to chase me away, burn my hand on the stove because I wanted to check and make sure it was hot (it was), run right into a closed door because I forgot I closed it, and end up standing beside dead animals.

I'm not exactly clumsy...

I'm not exactly spacey...

I just seem to attract a level of randomness in my life.

But, at the end of the day, I've got some pretty silly stories to tell.

(500) Days...

Recently, a friend and I were chatting, about relationships and vulnerability, and the like, and the movie (500) Days of Summer was brought up.

People, this movie is so wonderful.  It is the anti-love story, but the hopeful love story at once.  I adore this film, and highly recommend it.  However, this blog post will be full of spoilers.  You have been warned.

In (500) Days of Summer, Tom (average dude) meets Summer (average gal).  They hit it off, date, build a relationship, and so forth.  Then, Summer tells Tom they should break up.  The movie goes back and forth over a period of 500 days:  happy days, sad days, when they were together, when they were apart.  Tom, saddened by Summer ending their relationship, embarks on a journey of self-discovery…so to speak.  He spends countless days analyzing their relationship, what went wrong, what he did, what she did.  His friends come along side him, and try to help him, in essence, mourn the loss of Summer, and what he thought she represented for him. 

There is a poignant scene towards the end of the movie, where Tom and Summer run into each other, post breakup.  She invites him to a party at her place.  The scene splits into a side by side montage of his ‘expectations’ (he and Summer meet up at the party and rekindle their lost love), and the ‘reality’ (Summer is engaged to another man).  This scene?  Always breaks my heart.

In the end, Summer (married), finds Tom (single).  They sit and talk, and ultimately find closure with each other.  In the last scene, Tom meets another girl.

Her name is Autumn.

The movie ends on this note:  hopeful Tom, and Autumn.  Perhaps, just perhaps, love is not finished for him yet.

So.  God has been working in my heart, in my life.  Bringing me back to Him.  He has taken me by the hand and pulled me out of a place of darkness.  He began tearing down my walls, and His glorious light is what came streaming through. 

Over the last few months, I feel like God has been allowing me to remember, like Tom.  He has shed light on memories that I have been keeping buried.  And, in bringing them back, He is allowing me to confront them, and release them. 

My heart was broken once.  And, like Tom, I embarked on a journey of 500 (or many more) days trying desperately to retrace my steps.  To figure out what I did.  To put the pieces together, in a puzzle that never went together to begin with.  I had faith that things would work.  I had hope.  I had the tenacity to keep trying. 

And, one day, I learned that he had moved on, like Summer.  And I was left depleted.  Exhausted.  Alone.  I mourned the loss of that friendship, of that man.  I mourned the loss of what I thought could have, or should have been.  I hung my star on a crumbling pedestal. 

I found, to my horror, that I had grown accustomed to the pain.  As time separated me from him, I found that even the feeling of missing him was leaving.  And, finally, one day, I discovered that I didn’t miss him at all.  Instead of feeling relieved, I was met with emptiness.  I almost didn’t know how to exist outside of that place of longing, hoping, believing, and even heartache. 

Again, like Tom, I found myself waiting for my own Autumn.  For a man who would come along side me, and be what the other man wasn’t.  And, I found myself frightened at the thought.  For many reasons.  But, mostly, because I was (and still am) afraid of reliving my 500 days of summer. 

God has been faithful, continues to be faithful to me.  I have finally allowed Him to truly heal my heart.  To take my broken pieces, and mend them, and make me whole.  I have finally given Him the pain I kept so close.  I have severed all ties to him, the man who illuminated my life for such a short season.  I can look back with complete clarity, though it took me awhile to see through the fog.  I firmly believe that God allowed me to walk that road, because He knew where it would lead:  back to His arms.

I have not met my autumn yet, but I know he is out there. 

And, for the first time in a very, very long time, I am ecstatic over the thought. 

Sure, fear creeps in, trying to set up camp occasionally, but God has been helping me look past it. 

To hope again. 



So Much More.

Sometimes...

I want to be in control...

of everything in my life.

God comes along...

always there,

asking me to trust Him.

Alone.

Have Faith, daughter, He tells me.

Seek Him. 

He whispers promises to me.

He hears my heart.

He knows my words, before I ever speak them.

Sometimes...

I find myself looking for Him, longing to feel His presence.

He's always there.  Always, always.

It is me who is distant...

lost.

I run to His mighty arms, and He restores my weary soul.

He holds me.

He sees the me I keep hidden.

And loves me more than I can ever fathom.

He loves me.

Even standing in the midst of my sin and shame.

He forgives me.

More than my mind can ever know, or understand,

He sees me and still,

He loves me.

More than I will ever comprehend.

More than I would ever dream.

More than I will ever know, this side of Heaven.

So much more.