The Me I Wish To Be.

Sometimes, I look at myself in the mirror, and I can see the progress...the continuing transformation.  I see my features shifting, I see the hint of muscle definition, I see the pounds gone...

People have been telling me how much they see it too.

But, on other days, I don't.  Sometimes I look at myself and only see the round cheeks and the double chin.  I see the plump arms and the flabby stomach.  When I go shopping on these days, I immediately head for the largest sizes, because surely those are the only ones that will fit, and then they don't, and I get frustrated...because in the mirror stands the girl who once wore those clothes is too small for them...but I don't see it with my eyes.  

Sometimes, I go to the gym.  I feel like one of the crowd.  Nobody notices me running on the treadmill, or down the road.  Today, for instance, I completed 2 miles nonstop outdoors (a minor milestone).  A young man passed by me on my left as I was running along at my slow and steady speed.  He smiled at me and said hello, then jogged on.  For a moment, we were one and the same, he and I.  Two runners, one goal.

Then there are days when I feel like I'm being judged...that people see me and wonder what I am doing there, running along, that overweight girl...

I know they don't really judge me...rather, I judge myself.  Sometimes the journey seems so long and the milestones so few and far between.  

I wonder if I'll ever truly see the me I wish to be...will my perception ever catch up with reality?  Will I ever look at my reflection,, in my over sized clothes and really see a smaller, healthier me?  Or will I always see the me I used to be?  

This weight loss journey has made me ponder...made me see clearly...and made me try to understand more about myself than I ever thought possible.

I know I will see the me I wish to be...she's there.

We've come so far, the old me and the new...and yet, we've only just begun.

Journey.

Okay, folks...be gentle with me...this is probably the most embarrassing blog post to date...even though I'm incredibly proud of my progress in my weight loss journey.  I've had a couple of friends ask me how much I've lost thus far, and how much more I have to go, and how have I changed in the process?

Well, first off, I have lost roughly 80 pounds...I say roughly because I cannot seem to locate my original weigh in record when I started Weight Watchers what seems like forever ago.  I'm thinking the number is closer to 90, but I'll say 80 to be on the safe side.  

Yes, the progress has been thanks to Weight Watchers.  It has worked for me, but only when I allowed it to.  I'm starting to fall into a great rhythm with it, though I have not been faithful, and have quit and restart a number of times.  

I'll gladly give specific 'numbers' (weight, sizes, etc.), but not until I am at 'goal'.  I've lost 80+ pounds and 6 dress sizes in a matter of years, but still have quite a bit to go.

In addition to the food tracking portion of Weight Watchers, I am also going to the gym regularly:  weight training, running, and a variety of cardio are my go-to's.  

I love seeing my body change...and then I don't...

I know that sounds crazy, but I've struggled with my weight since I was 8 or 9.  I've yo-yo'd dieted throughout middle school, and high school, and my entire adult life.  

But now, I'm starting to face the psychological aspect of my weight, hand in hand with dealing with anxiety, and how that has affected my life, and my daily choices.  

So, while I love seeing the change, and the scale reflecting new numbers, it's hard...and scary.  As strange as it sounds, I wonder who I'll be when I'm no longer labeled 'the fat girl.'  Even the compliments aren't as easy to take as I anticipated:  the heartfelt, well meaning gestures of kindness, people asking me if I've lost weight, and how much, and keep it up.  It makes me feel encouraged, and strangely exposed in a way I've never been.  But, I'm learning to embrace this journey, and to like my body along the way...flab and all.  

Anyway, thanks for the encouragement and support, my friends and readers.  

Sometimes you don't realize just how far you've come until you look back and see where you started...

2005

2009

2013

How Far I've Come {Weight Loss}

{This post was supposed to go up yesterday!  Happy Easter everyone!  Easter post coming up later!}

Howdy folks!  It’s April!  Um, where did March go?  Seriously.  Easter is already here!  Before we know it, it will be summer!  Time is flying!

Anywho, I’ve been thinking about my weight loss, and the long (ever so long) journey I appear to be on regarding it.

I joined a gym last Fall, and love it.  Well, love it and hate it, but mostly I feel affectionately towards it.  Working out has really helped me manage stress, stay balanced, keep my focus, and maintain energy. 

And yet…

Sometimes I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle.  I want to quit.  There I days where I see the progress.  I days where I look in the mirror and criticize my appearance. 

But, then I remember something.  I often forget about it, because this has been such a long, winding, rough road. 

I’ve come farther than I realized.

Behold:

I’m so grossed out by this photograph.  I hate it.  I’m embarrassed to share it.

But, it reminds me:  I’ve lost 50 pounds since it was taken.  50 pounds. 

I really forget sometimes that I was that much heavier.  That going to the gym really would have been humiliating, and painfully difficult.  Now?  I am aware of how I look, but don’t care.  I’m there to get fit, to get healthy, just like everyone else. 

Some days, I feel stuck in the rut of the weight loss sojourn.  I went to my meeting yesterday, and lost 3.4 pounds (not in one week, rather 3 weeks.  See?  I could have done better), but I still felt down about it.  That it wasn’t enough. 

But every pound lost is a pound that separates me from that girl. 

Yes, I am aware that it is not a full body photo.  However, I have spent years and 50 pounds perfecting 2 things:  1.  Posing for the camera to look my absolute best (hiding my double chin, finding my ‘good’ side, angling my neck to give it the appearance of length, and positioning my shoulders to accent my shoulder blades, because the slightest appearance of bones instantly gives the impression of thinness).  2.  Refusing to have full body photos taken unless absolutely necessary (as in, out of my control).

I will post a full body photo eventually.  I will search for one from that time as well, for a fair comparison.

Here’s the point of this post (at least, the epiphany I had regarding it):  Sometimes, we HAVE to look back, in order to move forward.  This is a cringe-worthy photograph, and I’d rather not see it.  And yet, in looking at it, I can see how far I’ve really come, and exactly where I am going.

I can only hope that this simple little blog spot will encourage you to look back on something, see where you have been, embrace it, and move forward.
Until next time, have a blessed day!

Chocolate Free: Update.

I have officially completed one week without chocolate!

As it just so happened, I planned my chocolate break during 1. PMS 2. Daylight savings.

I know, I know, daylight savings has nothing to do with it, but maybe it does a teeny tiny bit.

As in, I'm exhausted from my hormonal issues, and now they've taken away an hour? I'm getting up at (what feels like) 5 a.m. instead of 6? Seriously, where's a chocolate granola bar for breakfast?

You know how it is. When you're already pooped, the last thing you want to do is be creative. About anything. I didn't want to be creative regarding chocolate. I just wanted it. Period. (Ha! No pun intended, but that was a good one)!

Alas, I was strong. I turned away from a piece of Ghiradelli mint chocolate (it was mocking me, by the way). I stared Easter themed Whoppers square in the face (cooking activity at school). I politely declined the M&Ms that managed to make their way to the staff table.

I did it.

Week 2? That will be a piece of cake. Chocolate free, of course.

Just wanted to share an update!

14 Days Chocolate Free.

Chocolate.

Love.

Chocolate.

Vice.

I have a slight addiction to chocolate. I admit it. All chocolate (except white, because...well, it's just pretending to be chocolate, and makes a mockery of the real thing.): brownies, candy, cookies...all that junk food that we know is so wrong, but tastes so.darn.RIGHT.

As many of you know, I am a member of Weight Watchers, and it's all about tracking points, moderation, and no restriction. Cool.

However...

I will gladly swap my WW points for chocolate anything, any day. I've noticed it has become more than just something I enjoy. The cravings are out of control. I'll use it to reward myself for good things, like working out for 45 minutes at the gym. Awesome logic there: Work your hiney off, sweat like a beast, change your body, and in return, you get...junk food? Um...maybe not the greatest strategy in the world...

More importantly, I have realized that I am choosing it over what I really want, and often crave: fruits, veggies, lean proteins. You know, the good stuff. By doing so, I find my WW tracking journal is rather unbalanced. More junk than healthy options fill my journal pages. If my leader ever asked to see my journal, I'd be embarrassed.

Someone should make a sign: Will Cheat for Chocolate.

Because that's what has been happening.

I'm not just cheating...I'm cheating myself.

So, I've decided, albeit rather begrudgingly, to cut out chocolate for 14 days. Two weeks, chocolate free. Really, just to prove to myself that I can do it, and beat it, and hopefully extend the cut.

Why 14 days? Because a month sounded too daunting. Two weeks sounds doable. I want to succeed, not set myself up for failure. Please, if you are doing something similar for a month, awesome!! I don't want it to sound like I'm bashing you. I originally wanted to start with a month, but for me, 2 weeks is the best starting point. For me.

So, tomorrow (yes, tomorrow. Tonight, I have a date with Hershey. We are going to have a fabulous time), as in Monday the 5th of March, I will begin my 14 day fast from chocolate. I have 2 exceptions: my whey protein powder and my calcium supplement. I use my protein shake for workouts, and it is naturally flavored and low in sugar. It's very expensive, and I'm not willing to give it up. Besides, though I love it, it does not compare to chocolate milk or shakes. At all. And my calcium chew is taken once a day, and tastes like a chalky tootsie roll. I'm pretty certain that it won't be my downfall. But everything else is going.

Anyone want to join in? Perhaps for you it is not chocolate, but something else? Leave a comment here, and let me know! You can do it!

I'll check back in with my progress in a week!

Let's do it together!

Weight Watcher Recipe: Mediterranean Quinoa Salad.

Mediterranean Quinoa Salad

Ingredients

2 cups Quinoa, cooked and cooled

1 tomato, chopped

1 cup spinach, cooked and cooled

1 tsp Extra Virgin Olive Oil

1 oz Mediterranean flavored feta cheese (can be found at Trader Joes)

10 small, pimento stuffed green olives

Kosher salt

Pepper

Instructions:

1.        Precook quinoa according to directions.  Let cool completely.

2.        Precook spinach.  Let cool completely.

3.       Chop 1 tomato, garnish with kosher salt and pepper.  Set aside.

4.       Drain spinach completely.  Press out excess juice between paper towels.  Toss with tomatoes.

5.       In a large bowl, toss 2 cups of quinoa with 1 tsp olive oil. 

6.       Add tomatoes and spinach.

7.       Add Feta cheese.

8.       Chop olives and add to salad.

9.       Toss well. 

10.   Serve chilled.

Serving size:  about ¾ cup

Weight Watchers PointsPlus:  4 per serving

This recipe includes 3 Power Foods (quinoa, tomatoes, spinach).

Finding My Stride.

Okay, lovely readers, I have a short post for you about weight loss.  The dreaded term.  The battle of most women.  The ups, the downs, the cravings, the willpower, the fight. 

You can check out some of my past posts here.

Recently, I took up running.  Understand, I am not a runner…yet.  I think I can only average slightly over a quarter of a mile, nonstop, at a steady pace.  It’s not much, I know. 

And yet…

At my current weight,  I never thought running was something I could do.  I was concerned about excess weight on my knees, injuries, heart rate, etc., etc., etc.

I wanted to run, though.  Sometimes, I have an overwhelming urge to run.  To feel the freedom of childhood.  The sound of feet pounding the pavement.  The feel of the wind blowing against me.

So, with the encouragement and sound advice from some great friends who are HARD CORE runners, I began doing walk/jog intervals.  I’ve increased my distance, my stamina, and my terrain range.  I’m kind of proud of myself.

To those who live here in beautiful San Diego, specifically North County, you might be familiar with Lake Hodges, and the bridge that crosses it.  A hard core runner may look at the bridge and say, “easy!”  I can say that in regards to walking it.  But, running?  Forget it.

Image Source

This last week, I mastered the bridge run.  Additionally, I ran from my parked car which was up the hill.  My legs were killing me, and my lungs felt like they’d burst at times, but I found my stride, concentrated on breathing through it, and did what I set out to do. 

I ran the bridge. 

I see it and feel accomplishment.  I see it and know it’s the first of many steps of becoming a runner. 

Running has proven to add extra weight loss to my typical Weight Watchers regime.  But it also provides stress relief, mental clarity, physical benefits, and, most importantly, for me, it’s something I enjoy.

In regards to physical activity, I’d like to encourage you, as I was encouraged, to push yourself.   Step outside of your comfort zone, be safe, and

be brave

(believe me, it takes bravery for me to run along a busy road where I can be seen by so many people.  I am still very self conscious about how I look while I run). 

The first step is the hardest. 

Get past that, and it’s cake…

…Mmmm…cake….

{wink}

xoxo