The Me I Wish To Be.

Sometimes, I look at myself in the mirror, and I can see the progress...the continuing transformation.  I see my features shifting, I see the hint of muscle definition, I see the pounds gone...

People have been telling me how much they see it too.

But, on other days, I don't.  Sometimes I look at myself and only see the round cheeks and the double chin.  I see the plump arms and the flabby stomach.  When I go shopping on these days, I immediately head for the largest sizes, because surely those are the only ones that will fit, and then they don't, and I get frustrated...because in the mirror stands the girl who once wore those clothes is too small for them...but I don't see it with my eyes.  

Sometimes, I go to the gym.  I feel like one of the crowd.  Nobody notices me running on the treadmill, or down the road.  Today, for instance, I completed 2 miles nonstop outdoors (a minor milestone).  A young man passed by me on my left as I was running along at my slow and steady speed.  He smiled at me and said hello, then jogged on.  For a moment, we were one and the same, he and I.  Two runners, one goal.

Then there are days when I feel like I'm being judged...that people see me and wonder what I am doing there, running along, that overweight girl...

I know they don't really judge me...rather, I judge myself.  Sometimes the journey seems so long and the milestones so few and far between.  

I wonder if I'll ever truly see the me I wish to be...will my perception ever catch up with reality?  Will I ever look at my reflection,, in my over sized clothes and really see a smaller, healthier me?  Or will I always see the me I used to be?  

This weight loss journey has made me ponder...made me see clearly...and made me try to understand more about myself than I ever thought possible.

I know I will see the me I wish to be...she's there.

We've come so far, the old me and the new...and yet, we've only just begun.

Journey.

Okay, folks...be gentle with me...this is probably the most embarrassing blog post to date...even though I'm incredibly proud of my progress in my weight loss journey.  I've had a couple of friends ask me how much I've lost thus far, and how much more I have to go, and how have I changed in the process?

Well, first off, I have lost roughly 80 pounds...I say roughly because I cannot seem to locate my original weigh in record when I started Weight Watchers what seems like forever ago.  I'm thinking the number is closer to 90, but I'll say 80 to be on the safe side.  

Yes, the progress has been thanks to Weight Watchers.  It has worked for me, but only when I allowed it to.  I'm starting to fall into a great rhythm with it, though I have not been faithful, and have quit and restart a number of times.  

I'll gladly give specific 'numbers' (weight, sizes, etc.), but not until I am at 'goal'.  I've lost 80+ pounds and 6 dress sizes in a matter of years, but still have quite a bit to go.

In addition to the food tracking portion of Weight Watchers, I am also going to the gym regularly:  weight training, running, and a variety of cardio are my go-to's.  

I love seeing my body change...and then I don't...

I know that sounds crazy, but I've struggled with my weight since I was 8 or 9.  I've yo-yo'd dieted throughout middle school, and high school, and my entire adult life.  

But now, I'm starting to face the psychological aspect of my weight, hand in hand with dealing with anxiety, and how that has affected my life, and my daily choices.  

So, while I love seeing the change, and the scale reflecting new numbers, it's hard...and scary.  As strange as it sounds, I wonder who I'll be when I'm no longer labeled 'the fat girl.'  Even the compliments aren't as easy to take as I anticipated:  the heartfelt, well meaning gestures of kindness, people asking me if I've lost weight, and how much, and keep it up.  It makes me feel encouraged, and strangely exposed in a way I've never been.  But, I'm learning to embrace this journey, and to like my body along the way...flab and all.  

Anyway, thanks for the encouragement and support, my friends and readers.  

Sometimes you don't realize just how far you've come until you look back and see where you started...

2005

2009

2013

Finding My Stride.

Okay, lovely readers, I have a short post for you about weight loss.  The dreaded term.  The battle of most women.  The ups, the downs, the cravings, the willpower, the fight. 

You can check out some of my past posts here.

Recently, I took up running.  Understand, I am not a runner…yet.  I think I can only average slightly over a quarter of a mile, nonstop, at a steady pace.  It’s not much, I know. 

And yet…

At my current weight,  I never thought running was something I could do.  I was concerned about excess weight on my knees, injuries, heart rate, etc., etc., etc.

I wanted to run, though.  Sometimes, I have an overwhelming urge to run.  To feel the freedom of childhood.  The sound of feet pounding the pavement.  The feel of the wind blowing against me.

So, with the encouragement and sound advice from some great friends who are HARD CORE runners, I began doing walk/jog intervals.  I’ve increased my distance, my stamina, and my terrain range.  I’m kind of proud of myself.

To those who live here in beautiful San Diego, specifically North County, you might be familiar with Lake Hodges, and the bridge that crosses it.  A hard core runner may look at the bridge and say, “easy!”  I can say that in regards to walking it.  But, running?  Forget it.

Image Source

This last week, I mastered the bridge run.  Additionally, I ran from my parked car which was up the hill.  My legs were killing me, and my lungs felt like they’d burst at times, but I found my stride, concentrated on breathing through it, and did what I set out to do. 

I ran the bridge. 

I see it and feel accomplishment.  I see it and know it’s the first of many steps of becoming a runner. 

Running has proven to add extra weight loss to my typical Weight Watchers regime.  But it also provides stress relief, mental clarity, physical benefits, and, most importantly, for me, it’s something I enjoy.

In regards to physical activity, I’d like to encourage you, as I was encouraged, to push yourself.   Step outside of your comfort zone, be safe, and

be brave

(believe me, it takes bravery for me to run along a busy road where I can be seen by so many people.  I am still very self conscious about how I look while I run). 

The first step is the hardest. 

Get past that, and it’s cake…

…Mmmm…cake….

{wink}

xoxo