Art.

While I've had some time off from work, I've been trying to update my painting portfolio, and really make an effort to create new pieces...

The inspiration for this piece came from 'The Passion of the Christ'...

I had to take the photograph at a very slight angle, it looks better in person!

"Firstborn"

20"x30"

Acrylic on canvas

Afraid.

Weight loss is scary...

I've touched on this in a previous post, but sometimes I don't know who I will be when I reach my goal.

I'm afraid of failing.

I'm afraid of succeeding.

I'm afraid of changing.

I'm afraid of staying the same.

I just haven't felt like myself in awhile...I feel like I'm in some 'in-between' stage, stuck in the middle of the past and the future.  People say to 'live in the now' or 'carpe diem'...but what if the now sort of stinks?  

It's easier to look back and say:  that's how far I've come.

It's easier to look ahead and say:  that's where I want to be.

But the now?  It's complicated...it's riddled with success and failure, excitement and fear, discouragement and hope, anxiety and calm.

In the midst of changing myself, I'm afraid of losing myself...and losing those I love so dearly.  

I've found this process is a catch-22:  putting myself out there, adventurous, trying new things...and shrinking back...alienating myself from my friends and spending time alone, trying to understand my issues.

So, for those wonderful friends of mine who have taken the time to read this, I thank you for your support.  Thank you for dealing with me and my fluctuating emotions...

Thank you for your patience.

And, if you haven't quite figured out who I am right now, 

don't worry...

I haven't either.

Progress Photo.

I scrounged around for some more before photos, and had a friend snap a progress shot today...

I tried to match the 'pose'.  I wish I had a before photo with form fitting clothes on so it's easier to see the change, but I remember that dress fit just perfectly, it was even snug around the sides.

Like I said, I've only just begun, but here is an updated photo, in my workout gear!

The Me I Wish To Be.

Sometimes, I look at myself in the mirror, and I can see the progress...the continuing transformation.  I see my features shifting, I see the hint of muscle definition, I see the pounds gone...

People have been telling me how much they see it too.

But, on other days, I don't.  Sometimes I look at myself and only see the round cheeks and the double chin.  I see the plump arms and the flabby stomach.  When I go shopping on these days, I immediately head for the largest sizes, because surely those are the only ones that will fit, and then they don't, and I get frustrated...because in the mirror stands the girl who once wore those clothes is too small for them...but I don't see it with my eyes.  

Sometimes, I go to the gym.  I feel like one of the crowd.  Nobody notices me running on the treadmill, or down the road.  Today, for instance, I completed 2 miles nonstop outdoors (a minor milestone).  A young man passed by me on my left as I was running along at my slow and steady speed.  He smiled at me and said hello, then jogged on.  For a moment, we were one and the same, he and I.  Two runners, one goal.

Then there are days when I feel like I'm being judged...that people see me and wonder what I am doing there, running along, that overweight girl...

I know they don't really judge me...rather, I judge myself.  Sometimes the journey seems so long and the milestones so few and far between.  

I wonder if I'll ever truly see the me I wish to be...will my perception ever catch up with reality?  Will I ever look at my reflection,, in my over sized clothes and really see a smaller, healthier me?  Or will I always see the me I used to be?  

This weight loss journey has made me ponder...made me see clearly...and made me try to understand more about myself than I ever thought possible.

I know I will see the me I wish to be...she's there.

We've come so far, the old me and the new...and yet, we've only just begun.